They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
