Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
