somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
