I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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