Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
