How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
