you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
