i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
