Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
