Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
