I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
