Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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