I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
