I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
