My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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