The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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