I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
