pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I can text with my tongue
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
