I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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