Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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