The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
