Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
