she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
