She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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