this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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