dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
