I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
