I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
