Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
