Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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