Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Randomize
