One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
two words...techno handjob
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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