i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
