I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
