Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
