I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
