Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
