Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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