I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
