My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
please don't ironically join a cult
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