That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
