I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
