Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
