I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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