i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
