The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
