I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
