I wish I only lived at night.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
not ubering you a puppy
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
