my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I am naked and annoyed.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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