why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Randomize
