Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
