I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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