Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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