I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
